I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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