"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
