Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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