dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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