Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's blow job season.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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