My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just found a bag of teeth...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
