Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
