I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
