Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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