im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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