I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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