He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
