i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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