she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
that may or may not have been my penis.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
