tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
