I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
