Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
