i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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