i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
