If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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