Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
