I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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