I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
