Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
