Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
