I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
