I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize