i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
