Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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