i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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