im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
