NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
