I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize