Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
