I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
