I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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