I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
COCAINE IS GR8
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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