Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just gift wrapped bread.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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