I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
