I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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