Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
ttyl tear gas
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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