Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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