Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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