how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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