Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
