Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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