I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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