She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
