please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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