So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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