turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
