Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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