its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
