So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
