I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize