If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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