have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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