I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
