does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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